Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
