Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
