I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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