You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize