i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
