all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
