i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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