I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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