i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
