his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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