Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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