my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
