Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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