Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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