Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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