he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
