i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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