How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
