Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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