the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
