So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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