my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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