fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
