So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have fence marks all over my body
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
