dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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