You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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