My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
