Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Randomize
