I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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