Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
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