peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize