My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
she pinky promised me she was 18
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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