I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
