he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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