I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
