I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
