i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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