they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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