Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
