i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
