A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
