I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
