I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltđ
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes âI drove you last nightâ\nâYou got your dick sucked in the back seatâ
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