She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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