then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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