Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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