So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
