: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
