My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
high people should be assigned attendants
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
