My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
