watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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