all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize