when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
