My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
