we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize