Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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