The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
