i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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