why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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