I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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