Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
