you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
