This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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