LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
