i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
