How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
