got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
