I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
